I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My ATM looks so different sober.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
