Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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