You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
