I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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