So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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