I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
