Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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