birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
50% drunk capacity currently
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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