I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
