Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
