So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
