The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
