Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
