Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
