Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
