well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
