just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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