I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My breasts were aching with rage.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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