I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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