i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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