i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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