Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
