Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
