I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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