I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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