dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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