I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
