I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
