Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
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