I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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