thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
