My sheets look like a crime scene.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
