I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
