You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
