In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
