Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
