all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
