just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
