i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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