Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
