I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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