mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
