Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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