I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
