just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
