I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
