When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
sex in a hospital.. check
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
