remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
