Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
