saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
